


Bedding Biden

by TheAnnoyingAlien



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gay Male Character, M/M, Marijuana, ending an extremely cursed year with an extremely cursed fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28471296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAnnoyingAlien/pseuds/TheAnnoyingAlien
Summary: I wrote this cursed disaster based upon a conversation I had with some friends where we were joking about white dude politicians kissing up to Joe Biden to try and get on the ticket with him. Joe Biden has become the presumptive Democratic nominee, and John Kerry, Tim Kaine, Beto O’Rourke, Pete Buttigieg, and Bernie Sanders are each trying to secure themselves a spot on his ticket before the convention. Tired of their antics, Joe makes an offhand remark about them doing everything short of sleeping with him to become his running mate. Will any of them actually attempt it?
Relationships: Joe Biden/Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden/Beto O'Rourke, Joe Biden/John Kerry, Joe Biden/Pete Buttigieg, Joe Biden/Tim Kaine, Pete Buttigieg/Beto O'Rourke
Comments: 9
Kudos: 19





	1. The Cursed Introduction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants to read a cursed story about various white dudes trying to seduce Joe Biden? Probably no one but I wrote it anyways. I’m kind of drunk as I’m posting this so sorry if there are any mistakes in it that I missed. Anyways, my friends and I were joking around one day about all the white dudes kissing up to Joe because they were thirsty to get on the ticket with him as his vice presidential candidate and this story resulted from that. I started writing this before Joe said he was going to pick a woman as his running mate so I was suspicious that he was going to pick another white dude since he was hanging out with so many of them. I also started writing this before coronavirus got really bad in the US and don’t feel like spending time reworking a stupid crack fic so it’s slightly truer to real life so there are no mentions of the virus in this. It’s a slightly better universe where corona didn’t happen but everything else is still terrible. The guys can’t exactly seduce Joe if they have to stay six feet away from him. The sex in this isn’t explicit at all-I’m drunk but not drunk enough to be able to write like five different explicit Joe Biden sex scenes-but yeah. Not explicit sex, if you for whatever reason wanted that you won’t find it here, sorry. This fic also isn’t meant to make fun of or badmouth any of the dudes in it, I think a few of them are clowns and I dislike or am annoyed by them, and some of them do take jabs at each other within the fic, but this fic is mostly meant to be goofy fun, not to shit on anybody. Anyways, here’s some goofy cursed shit I wrote, stay safe from covid, get the vaccine when it’s available for you, happy New Year. My last fic of the year and it’s this garbage mess. I can write reasonably well I just choose to write extremely cursed shit. Hopefully it’s at least funny cursed shit. Enjoy.

Joe liked Pete. He was youthful and smart and had a very bright future in politics ahead of him. Joe liked Beto as well. He was very personable and simultaneously passionate and relaxed. Joe liked Tim, too. He was sweet and bubbly and perhaps in a slightly better universe Joe would be out helping him to get reelected to the vice presidency right now. Joe also liked John. He had proven to be a good friend and public servant from the time they were colleagues in the senate together to his time as secretary of state. Joe decidedly did not like Bernie. He was abrasive and divisive and a thorn in the entire party’s side, but on some level he did appreciate Bernie finally swallowing his pride, endorsing him, and coming to stump for his campaign.

That being said, Joe was getting tired of all five of them badgering him for a spot on his ticket. Ever since it had become clear that the nomination was going to him Pete, Beto, Tim, John, and Bernie had been following him around on the trail, and they had followed him right into his home state of Delaware. They had all just concluded a joint rally together, and as Joe made a hasty exit for his signature No Malarkey! campaign bus he found himself swarmed by the other men, each of them talking over one another, shoving each other aside, practically begging for his attention as he subtly quickened his pace to escape them.

“Pick me, Joe!” Tim cut in, grabbing hold of Joe’s arm. “Virginia’s a swing state, and I can help you win it!”

“Dude, we need Texas more than we need Virginia,” Beto argued, pulling Tim aside so he could make his case, “And I’m the only person who can help Joe win it. Virginia’s gonna go blue regardless of whether you’re on the ticket or not, and it doesn’t deliver nearly as many electoral votes as Texas does.”

“Texas won’t ever go blue!” John scoffed dismissively. “I’ve been around way longer than you, it hasn’t gone blue since before you were born!”

“You need me to get young people to vote!” Bernie insisted. “They’ll stay home or vote third party if you don’t have me!”

“God, will you all just fucking stop with this malarkey?!” Joe finally snapped, getting them all to back off of him and be quiet. “You guys are trying everything short of sleeping with me to get on the ticket!”

“Well, why wouldn’t we try hard to persuade you to pick us? We all really want to be vice president!” Pete pointed out. “You should pick me!”

“No, pick me! I should be the vice president right now!” Tim reminded everyone. “Hillary and I won the popular vote! The majority of Americans wanted me for the job!”

“I’ll give you lots of electoral votes!” Said Beto.

“I’ll give you a swing state!” Said Tim.

“I’ll give you youthful energy!” Said Pete.

“I’ll give you an experienced partnership!” Said John.

“I’ll give you millennials!” Said Bernie.

“And I’ll give all of you ten seconds to leave before I ask security to intervene,” Joe grumbled, “Get lost.” With that, Joe boarded his bus while the others sulked off to the other side of the parking lot and decided to share an Uber to the airport. The ride was silent, and after going through security they sat down together in the food court, eating their feelings and commiserating together as they waited for their respective flights.

“I don’t think any of us are getting on the ticket, guys,” Tim noted sadly as he set down the iced coffee he had ordered, “Joe’s right, we’ve each done everything short of sleeping with him to try and get him to pick us, there’s nothing else we can do!” He took out his harmonica and played a depressing tune to enhance the depressing mood. Something about Tim’s comment seemed to resonate with John; he looked up from his McFlurry to face the others, his features lit up with optimism.

“Well, what if we actually did try sleeping with him?” He wondered aloud. “None of us have done that! I think it could work!”

“No it couldn’t,” Pete scoffed while he nibbled on a pretzel, “I’m the only one out of the six of us who actually likes men. Joe’s straight, you guys are straight, it wouldn’t work for anyone.”

“Oh, Joe isn’t straight.” John smirked. Pete rolled his eyes at this, not convinced at all.

“Yeah, right. Joe isn’t straight, and I’m not gay,” He snorted sarcastically, “Cut the shit Kerry, I know what you’re up to. You’re trying to make me think that I could make a pass at Joe to get on the ticket, you want me to actually try it, Joe won’t like it because he’s not interested in men, and then he definitely won’t pick me. Once you’ve gotten me out of the way you’ll only have to compete with Tim, Beto, and Bernie. Well, I’m not falling for that dirty trick!”

“It’s not a dirty trick! I’m telling the truth!” John insisted, “I can assure you from my own ‘personal experience’ with him that Joe’s definitely not straight!” Pete, Beto, Tim, and Bernie all went wide eyed in shock over what he was implying.

“Oh my God!” Beto gasped. “You and Joe fucked?” John glanced around the food court to make sure nobody was near enough to them to eavesdrop-they were, after all, in a public space-and once he was sure the coast was clear he gave a confirming nod.

“Yes, and that gives me an advantage over the rest of you!” He chuckled triumphantly, “Joe knows me well, knows what I can do in bed and in congress, and knows he can have me as much as he wants if he puts me on the ticket.”

“God, I’d hope Joe wouldn’t think solely with his dick when choosing a running mate,” Beto muttered, “But now that I know he’s into men, maybe I could try fucking him to get on the ticket…”

“Wait, you’re not straight either?” Pete asked in disbelief.

“Nah man, I like dudes.” Said Beto. Pete then turned to Tim and Bernie, eyeing both of them suspiciously.

“What about you two?” He prodded them. “You’re being awfully quiet. Are you hiding anything?” Bernie scowled at him, while Tim grew flustered and color came to his cheeks.

“I’ve got nothing to hide!” Bernie huffed. “My interest in men isn’t something I talk about very often and the media hasn’t really touched on it, but I’m not trying to hide it.”

“Oh gosh… well, the rest of you have come clean about it, I guess I might as well join you,” Tim mumbled sheepishly, “I like men too.”

“For fuck’s sake!” Pete swore, throwing his hands up, “I thought I was the only gay one here! If you all like men, then why are each of you married to women? Are your wives just beards? Are you secretly cheating on all of them?”

“Being bi is a thing, dude,” Beto reminded him, “I can’t speak for the other guys, but I swing both ways. I fuck other dudes sometimes but I’m not a cheater; my wife and I have an open marriage and she knows about it.”

“I’m into both men and women too,” John added, “And so is Joe. We have similar arrangements with our wives, though as we’ve gotten older and gotten more established we don’t fool around outside of our marriages as much as we did when we were younger. What about you, Tim?”

“I like both as well,” Tim replied, “My wife and I have both had a little fun with other people from time to time, but we prefer to stick with each other so we don’t stray from the marriage bed too often.”

“I’ve fucked a lot of my willing fans, both men and women,” Bernie explained, “And my wife knows about it too.”

“Oh gosh! Aren’t your fans mostly college kids?” Tim pointed out. “Are you saying that you’re taking men and women who are young enough to be your grandchildren to bed?”

“Well, yes, I am quite popular with college students, and to a few of them I’m popular both in the polls and in bed,” Bernie replied, “But I mostly fool around with my older fans. Sometimes younger ones approach me for sex, but it doesn’t happen too often.”

“Anyways, if we were all theoretically going to try to sleep with Joe to get on the ticket, I think we know who’d win: me!” Pete smirked. “I’ve got youth on my side. Why would Joe go for you old geezers when he can have me?”

“Dude, I’m only like a decade older than you,” Beto reminded him, “I’m still in my prime, I’m not ancient like the other guys.”

“You two might have youthful bodies, but the rest of us have experience!” John boasted. “Don’t be ageist.”

“Have fun breaking a hip during sex, old man.” Pete taunted him.

“Make sure to take your dentures out before you suck Joe’s dick!” Beto added. “High five, Pete! Young dudes unite!” He held his hand up for a high five, Pete regarded him for a moment, shrugged, and then high fived him.

“I can’t believe you all! You’re really considering being literal whores for the establishment!” Bernie scoffed condescendingly. “I’d never stoop so low! I’d never sell my body for a spot on the ticket!”

“Oh, I think you would,” Tim muttered, “You always say that you’d never do what everybody else does and then do it anyways. You’re not so above it all like you pretend to be.”

“Of course you’d defend your establishment friends trying to fuck their way to the top! Hell, I bet you’ve done it yourself!” Bernie accused him, “I bet you were dicking Hillary down last time so she’d pick you!”

“I’ve never done such a thing!” Tim huffed indignantly. “I admire Hillary and I’m proud to call her my friend, but that’s all we are-just friends! All I’ve done to her is hug her and kiss her on the cheek!”

“I’d dick Hillary down if she was into it,” John announced completely unprompted, “She’s hot and she deserves to fuck around and have some fun after all the bullshit Bill’s put her through.”

“I mean she’s a grandma now, but she was sexy back in the day,” Beto admitted, “Bill’s dumb as fuck for cheating when he had such a fine ass wife at home!”

“Yeah, Hillary looked good.” Pete agreed. “She looks pretty good for her age now too.” Bernie gave him an extremely judgmental look.

“I thought you were gay!” He scoffed. “You made a big deal about being the only gay guy here!”

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I can’t recognize an attractive woman when I see one,” Pete replied, “I’m not into her sexually but I can see that she’s attractive.”

“No she isn’t, you idiots!” Bernie disagreed. “She’s an ugly person, inside and out!”

“Leave Hillary alone!” Tim scolded him. “She’s a lovely person; you’re just saying that because you’re still mad that she beat you!”

“Dude, I bet Bernie secretly has the hots for Hillary but he hates that he does so he deals with it by being a dick to her,” Beto reasoned, “It makes perfect sense! I get this same vibe from Trump! They both think strong women are hot but they’re also intimidated by them and the only way they know how to cope is by being a dick!”

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard!” Bernie sneered. “Why would I be attracted to what I hate? Fuck you guys; I’m going back to Burlington!” Bernie grabbed his things and stomped off to his gate to wait for his flight in solitude. With nothing else to really talk about, the other guys decided to head to their own gates. John and Tim had to go to different terminals to catch their flights, but Beto and Pete’s gates were right beside each other in the same terminal. There was still quite some time before their flights arrived, so they sat together by the gates, silently gazing out the window at the planes taxiing across the tarmac. The two of them hadn’t really interacted all that much outside of the debates and the events they did with Joe; it felt strange to the both of them to be sharing a quiet moment together out of the political spotlight.

“I think Kerry’s going to shoot his shot and try to get Joe in bed.” Beto finally said, breaking the silence. “Tim’s way too reserved to try it and Bernie wasn’t interested at all, but Kerry’s definitely gonna go for it.”

“Well, even if he tries it, Joe won’t pick him,” Pete replied, turning to face Beto, “He ran for president once before and lost. He’s old. He’s from a state that’s already solidly blue. He wouldn’t bring anything to the ticket that Joe doesn’t already have. I think you and I have the best chances of being picked. We’re both relatively young, I’m from a red state and you’re from a swing state, I’ve got notoriety from being the first openly gay candidate to run and you’ve got notoriety from taking on Ted Cruz, we’d both be very politically valuable to Joe, more so than Kerry, Tim, or Bernie would ever be.”

“Yeah but is Joe gonna be thinking about who’s the most politically valuable when choosing or is he gonna be thinking about who’s the most sexually valuable?” Beto questioned. “It’d be smart to make ourselves desirable to him sexually as well as politically, so I think I’m gonna go for it. I’m gonna fuck Joe next time I get him alone and see if that helps my chances.”

“Well, if you’re going to try it, and if Kerry’s likely going to as well, I guess I should make an attempt.” Pete decided. Beto raised his eyebrows at this.

“Damn, Pete! I didn’t think you had it in you!” He exclaimed. “No offense dude, I like you, but you don’t exactly strike me as someone who’d go chasing grandpa dick for the vice presidency. I thought you’d be too uptight to make a pass at Joe, and what about your husband? Is he gonna be okay with this?”

“Open marriage.” Pete answered simply.

“You’re full of surprises, dude,” Beto remarked, impressed by this, “Anything else you wanna share with me?”

“There’s a lot I want to share with you.” Pete leered, “If you’re interested.” He placed his hand atop Beto’s, and Beto went wide-eyed as he got the hint.

“OH!” He gasped. “Well, I wish you would’ve said that before we came to the airport. My flight’s gonna be here in like fifteen minutes, I don’t have time to pull a Larry Craig stunt with you in the bathroom.”

“Another time, then.” Said Pete, pulling his hand away. “Maybe we can meet up after we’ve both slept with Joe and compare notes on it.” Beto wheezed with laughter at this, and Pete cracked a grin. Talking with Beto proved to be rather entertaining. He found himself alone soon after, as Beto’s plane to Texas arrived and he hurried off to board it. As Pete continued waiting for his own flight back to Indiana he took out his phone and decided to send Joe a text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Context for the Larry Craig thing: Larry Craig is that Republican senator who got arrested for soliciting gay sex in airport bathrooms. He maintained that he wasn’t gay but dude’s definitely gay, he's just going the Lindsey Graham route of denying it anyways even though it's blatantly obvious to everyone that he's not straight.


	2. Pete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pete attempts to seduce Joe by flirting in Norwegian with the help of Google Translate.

About a week after the Delaware event Joe made a stop in South Bend to do a rally with Pete. The rally was uneventful, and afterwards Pete had invited Joe to his house for dinner. Pete’s husband was absent, which Joe thought was a little odd, but he didn’t bring it up. Pete had let him play with his dogs and was currently giving him a tour of the house; they had paused by a bookshelf so Pete could show off some of his favorite Norwegian literature.

“So you can read Norwegian? That’s really impressive.” Joe commented, earning a smile from Pete.

“I can speak a little bit of it too,” The younger man bragged, “Would you like to learn some words and phrases in it?”

“Sure, why not?” Joe agreed. “How do you say ‘I love ice cream’ in Norwegian?”

“Oh, well, I was going to start with the basics like ‘hi, how are you?’ and ‘where’s the bathroom?’ but I guess we can start with that,” Said Pete, “I actually don’t know how to say ice cream in Norwegian, I might need to use Google Translate for more specific words like that.”

“No judgment here,” Joe chuckled, “You know more of the language than I do! I don’t speak a lick of Norwegian.” Pete took out his phone, opened Google Translate, and said “ice cream” into the mic. The app translated it into Norwegian for him.

“Jeg elsker iskrem.” Said Pete. “That’s how you’d say it. Now you try.”

“Jeg elsker iskrem.” Joe repeated, fumbling the pronunciation a bit since he was unfamiliar with the language. “Okay. What about ‘here’s the deal’?”

“Her er avtalen.” Pete replied.

“Her er avtalen.” Said Joe, slightly better on the pronunciation this time.

“Good. Now I’m going to try something different,” Pete told him, “I’ll say things in Norwegian, and you read back what it translates to in English.” Joe nodded, and Pete switched the settings on the app so it would now translate from Norwegian to English before handing the phone to Joe. “Vil du knulle meg?” Pete asked, and Joe looked down at the phone, a perplexed look on his face that quickly shifted into one of amusement.

“Oh, Pete, I think you’re saying it wrong!” He chuckled, “It’s telling me that that means ‘do you want to fuck me?’, and that can’t be right!”

“No, it’s exactly right,” Pete confirmed, “That’s what I said. So, do you want to fuck me? You did say earlier that sex was the only thing you haven’t been offered in exchange for a spot on the ticket, didn’t you?”

“You’re really offering to have sex with me?!” Joe exclaimed, almost not believing what he’d just heard. “Oh God, you thought I was serious about the sleeping with me to get on the ticket thing? That was just an offhand remark! I didn’t mean anything by it!”

“Well, even if you didn’t mean it the offer still stands,” Pete replied, “Why not take me up on it? I know you’re interested in both men and women and I know you’re in an open marriage because Kerry told me. And don’t worry, you wouldn’t be meddling in my own marriage, Chasten knows about this. The flirting in Norwegian was actually his suggestion.”

“Either you two have an open relationship or Chasten really wants you to be vice president,” Joe snorted, rolling his eyes, “And I’m gonna have to have a word with John later so he doesn’t blab about my sex life to anyone else.”

“So is it a no or a yes on having sex with me?” Pete pressed him. “You’re not giving me an answer.” Joe regarded Pete for a moment, feeling very conflicted. He would be lying if he said he didn’t find Pete attractive, he was very attracted to both his physique and his intellect, but their substantial age difference put him off quite a bit. Pete was a grown ass adult and was the one making the proposition, but Joe still felt somewhat dirty about it.

“Pete, I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with,” Joe said sternly, “I don’t want to do anything to you that you aren’t gonna enjoy or aren’t gonna be okay with. I’m not gonna go to bed with you if you’re repulsed by the idea of it and you’re just doing it as a transactional thing to try and get on the ticket. Sleeping with me isn’t going to convince me to put you on, so if that’s the only reason you’re offering then you can spare yourself the trouble.”

“That’s not the only reason,” Pete assured him, “I’d still like to even if it won’t affect my chances of getting on the ticket. I like you. I know you’re older than me, but we get along well, and age hasn’t been unkind to your looks.” Joe was flattered that Pete felt that way; he allowed a small smile cross his face despite how absurd and unexpected the situation was.

“Well, thank you!” He chuckled, “God, I never thought you’d be attracted to a guy who’s old enough to be your father.”

“I wouldn’t mind calling you Daddy,” Pete smirked, but when he saw Joe wince at this he was quick to add, “That’s a joke. I’m not into the daddy stuff, and it’s clear you aren’t either.” Joe relaxed a bit with that clarification.

“If you really are interested, then I’ll sleep with you,” He finally agreed, “Where’s your room at?” Pete showed Joe to his bedroom, and he made it clear before they started fooling around that he was up for anything sexual that Joe wanted to do, but he asked that Joe not kiss him at all and asked that they not cuddle together afterwards, as those were privileges reserved only for his husband. Joe thought that arrangement was a little odd-if he and Chasten were already fucking other men why not kiss and cuddle them too?-but he respected it nonetheless. They quickly undressed and went beneath the covers to have their fun.

Pete wasn’t a very noisy lover, lying there quietly much of the time and letting Joe take the lead. He’d say something now and then, very direct, asking what Joe wanted him to do, what felt good, requesting Joe to do things to him in turn. Joe enjoyed himself, although he wished he could’ve hugged and kissed on Pete just a little bit. The sex was good, and Pete seemed to like it too, but Joe felt like a piece of the experience was missing, some of the intimacy was missing. They finished up, and he remained in bed while Pete separated from him and started to get dressed.

“Ah,” Pete sighed contentedly, straightening his tie as he returned to sit on the edge of the bed, “That was nice. Thank you, Joe. Did you like it?” Joe nodded and got up so he could put his own clothes back on.

“It was fun.” He replied. “I liked it a lot.” Pete grinned.

“So, have I earned myself a cabinet position at least?” He teased, and Joe shot a glare at him. “Just kidding.”

“You’ve got to work on your comedic timing, son,” Joe replied dryly, “But if by the grace of God I get elected in November, I might be able to find a spot in the cabinet for you.” Pete seemed a little surprised to hear that, his eyes widened a bit and brows raised ever so slightly. Joe even thought he could see a light blush color his features. Pete regarded him for a moment and then leaned in to give him a quick peck on the cheek. Now it was Joe’s turn to be surprised.

“I usually don’t do that,” Pete mumbled awkwardly, turning to face away from Joe to hide his rapidly increasing blush, “But it’s my way of showing you my gratitude for being considered for such a high profile job. Anyways, I’m going to get dinner started now. You can come help me cook if you want.” Pete made a swift exit for the kitchen, and Joe followed behind him. He couldn’t help but smile at the gesture; Pete sure had a funny way of showing affection.


	3. Tim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim attempts to seduce Joe, but ends up getting seduced instead.

Joe was in Virginia now making a stop in Richmond, Tim’s home city. They had done a brief event together and then Tim had invited Joe out for a walk through one of the nearby parks. They must have seemed a comical pair, two older gentlemen dressed in khakis and blazers strolling along amongst the various young joggers, dog walkers, and children playing. Every now and then they’d be stopped by fans requesting photos and would happily oblige, but for the most part the walk was uneventful. It was very peaceful and relaxing, and Joe appreciated having something peaceful and relaxing to enjoy after all of the stress of campaigning. They had been walking for some time now and had gotten deeper into the park, into a secluded area far away from the other park visitors. Tim reached out and grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together as they walked. Joe thought this was a little strange, it wasn’t something Tim had ever done before, but he didn’t question it. He did, however, question the crimson blush that had spread across the other man’s face.

“You alright?” Joe asked. “You look a little red. The heat’s not getting to you, is it?” Tim shook his head.

“Joe, you know what they say about how Virginia is for lovers?” He asked. “Well Virginia could be for us, if you’d like.”

“Oh!” Joe exclaimed, understanding what was going on now. “Well, sorry Tim, but Pete beat you to it.” Tim seemed a little disappointed to hear that.

“I should’ve known this would never work,” He mumbled, “I was stupid to even try it. Why would you want me when you’ve had Pete? I can’t compete with him. I’m not as young or as fit or as interesting as he is.”

“Hey now, don’t sell yourself short,” Joe gently admonished him, “You can more than compete with Pete. I’ve liked you for a long time, but I thought you were straight. I even flirted with you during the last election and you didn’t seem the least bit interested!” Tim raised an eyebrow at this revelation.

“You flirted with me? When?” He asked. “I didn’t notice.”

“Pretty much every time I was around you,” Joe told him, “You didn’t get the hint from me hugging on you and giving you compliments?”

“Well, you do that with everyone!” Tim pointed out. “I mean, I’ve liked you for a long time too, but I thought that all of the stuff you did with me was platonic.” Joe took his hand and brought it up to his lips to kiss it.

“I can assure you it was meant to be romantic.” He smirked. Tim was blushing even harder now; he had gone into this with the intention of charming Joe but now Joe was the one charming him.

“Oh gosh,” He chuckled shyly, “Who’s trying to seduce who here? Are you trying to seduce me or am I trying to seduce you?”

“You’re not trying, you’re succeeding,” Said Joe, “Consider me thoroughly seduced.”

“Well then, may I kiss you?” Tim requested. Instead of answering him Joe cupped his cheeks and drew him into a gentle kiss. Tim kissed back, drawing his arms around Joe and pulling him close. Joe could feel something hard pressing against his thigh.

“Damn, you’re already hard from one kiss?” He teased Tim playfully as they parted lips. “I wish I could get it up that easily at my age!”

“Oh no, that’s just my harmonica.” Tim explained. He reached into his pocket, pulled a harmonica out, and played a short tune. “But maybe it’s time we leave the park and continue this at my house.” Joe happily complied. They soon found themselves back at Tim’s residence, and Joe found himself in Tim’s bed. They spent what felt like ages just kissing and holding and caressing each other, exchanging whispered words of affection between tender touches of their lips. Joe hadn’t minded that Pete hadn’t very cuddly, as he knew that Pete reserved the caresses and cuddling for his husband and just wasn’t a terribly touchy guy in general, but Tim was quite the opposite. Tim practically clung to him and covered him with kisses, and Joe felt absolutely loved and adored by his friend. Tim was a very gentle, giving lover; he didn’t seem to mind letting Joe lead things, but whatever affection and attention Joe gave to him Tim gave right back doubly as intense. The intimacy continued even after they had finished having sex. While Pete hadn’t been one for pillow talk or sharing a quiet moment together when everything was said and done, Tim opted to stay in bed with Joe, perfectly content to hold him and be held by him, kissing and conversing beneath the sheets as they stroked each other’s hair-or what was left of it, since both of them were balding.

“Seems like your harmonica isn’t the only thing you’re good at blowing.” Joe smirked.

“And ice cream isn’t the only thing you like to lick.” Tim replied. They shared a laugh, followed by another kiss. “Sorry I didn’t realize you were interested in me sooner. I can’t believe I went four years not knowing! Gosh, I guess I really can’t take a hint!”

“If it makes you feel better, this was well worth the wait,” Joe assured him, “I’m having a good time with you.”

“I’m having a good time with you too.” Said Tim. “But can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“You’re not going to pick me, are you?” Joe bristled slightly at the question. He knew that the subject was going to come up eventually, and he knew that he probably should’ve just been honest and upfront about it with Tim like he’d been with Pete, but he’d been too caught up in the thrill of someone he’d pined after for years returning his feelings that it completely slipped his mind. Joe felt a bit guilty about it; he didn’t want to kill the mood or hurt Tim’s feelings, but avoiding the topic any longer would be wrong and would only make it more painful.

“Listen, Tim,” Joe started off, unsure of how to go about this in a delicate manner, “You’ve got a lot of valuable experience and you were a good partner to Hillary last time, but-“

“It’s okay,” Tim cut him off, “You don’t have to let me down easy, Joe. I always kind of knew that it wasn’t going to be me. I figured it would look bad for you if you picked the guy who was on the losing ticket last time.”

“You didn’t lose, though,” Joe said softly, “You got more votes. The American people wanted you. I wanted you.” Tim cracked a wistful smile and pressed a kiss to Joe’s brow.

“What the people want and what the Electoral College decides isn’t always one in the same, unfortunately,” He replied, “I’m proud of the campaign that Hillary and I ran even though it didn’t end the way we’d hoped. You don’t have to worry about me being sad that I’m not the one up for the vice presidency, I had my chance to get it and I’m perfectly okay with staying in the senate and doing all the good that I can there. The only thing I’m not okay with is all the suffering Trump has put our country through. I wish that things had gone differently and that it never had to happen, but it has, and I trust that you and whoever you give the honor of joining you on the ticket will put an end to it in November.” Hearing all of this had Joe feeling a little emotional.

“God, you’re gonna make me tear up,” He sniffed, wiping at his eyes a bit, “It means a lot to hear that. You’re a good man, Tim. Thanks for not having any hard feelings about this. I think you’ll be happy with the running mate that I’ve chosen.”

“You’ve chosen somebody?” Tim exclaimed, intrigued by this. “Gosh, that was quick!”

“Well, I have someone in mind,” Joe clarified, “But we haven’t met up one on one to discuss it yet.”

“Who is it?” Tim prodded. “Now I’m curious.”

“You’re gonna have to stay curious for a little while longer,” Joe told him, “I can’t tell you now, but I promise that you’ll know by August.” Tim figured that he wasn’t going to be able to draw any further information out of Joe at this time, but he trusted his friend to make a good choice, whatever or whoever that choice ended up being. He was feeling rather sleepy now, tired out from the sex, and Joe made a very comfortable pillow. Tim asked him if he’d like to sleep over, assuring him that his wife was out of town for work and he wouldn’t be intruding, and Joe accepted. As he snuggled up with Tim for the night, Joe couldn’t help but wonder who else was going to try this tactic to get on the ticket, and how they would handle being rebuffed. Tim had been very understanding and very realistic about everything, and Pete seemed content with being promised a cabinet position, but what would the others make of it? Joe feared that he might be breaking some hearts in the near future, both politically and personally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t really touch on this too much in the chapters because it’s not too relevant to the story but Pete’s husband and everyone else’s wives know about their husbands’ plans to seduce Joe and either went off for work related shit or went off on a brief vacation somewhere so their husbands could mess around with Joe in peace. No one’s going behind anyone’s back and everyone’s in an open marriage. Just wanted to reiterate that because I feel bad writing cheating, but yeah nobody’s feelings are being hurt here.


	4. Beto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beto attempts to seduce Joe with Whataburger. Happy Valentine's Day everyone here's the most cursed chapter so far.

Joe was in El Paso next, sitting with Beto in his backyard as they dined on Whataburger after completing a town hall together. Nothing questionable had happened yet, but that was soon to change.

“Oh man, it sure is hot out today!” Beto complained, “Mind if I take my shirt off?” Before Joe could even respond Beto had stripped off his shirt and tossed it aside on the ground. Joe had a feeling that this wasn’t due solely to the intense Texas heat. He appreciated the eye candy, but he suspected that this was the beginning of Beto’s attempt to make a move on him. Joe decided not to say anything right away, curious as to how this would play out. He took a moment to admire the other man’s lean, lightly muscled physique as Beto proceeded to squirt a line of Whataburger spicy ketchup onto a French fry. Beto stuck his tongue out and slowly licked the ketchup off the fry before popping it into his mouth. Joe really didn’t understand how he was supposed to find this seductive, he thought it was equal parts hilarious and weird, but he gave Beto some points for creativity. Beto grabbed another fry and squirted more ketchup on, but he squirted a little too much and a bit of it dropped off the fry and onto his chest. Making sure Joe was watching, Beto cracked a sly grin and dragged two of his fingers up his chest to scrape the ketchup off. He brought them to his mouth to suck them clean, moaning suggestively as he did so.

“I know what you’re up to, son,” Joe finally spoke up, putting an end to this little display, “And you’re not the first one to try it.” Beto withdrew his fingers from his mouth and grimaced.

“God fucking damn it,” He swore, “Did Pete and Kerry both get to you first?”

“It was Pete and Tim, actually.” Joe revealed. “But good to know that John’s going to try it too at some point! I’m looking forward to that!”

“TIM!?” Beto cried in shock. “Tim let you fuck him? Well, shit! I didn’t think he’d ever go for it! I thought he was too much of a prude to even try! And I know Bernie hates your guts, so he wouldn’t do it either. He’d rather stay in the senate forever than fuck you to get on the ticket. Damn, this sucks! Now I have even more competition to deal with!”

“The competition’s actually already over,” Joe chuckled, “It was pretty much over before you, Tim, or Pete tried anything. My running mate isn’t going to be any of you.” This announcement did nothing to improve Beto’s mood.

“You picked somebody already? Then why the fuck haven’t you announced it yet?!” Beto snapped. “Dude, Bernie left the race in April! You met with Pete in May, Tim in June, and now we’re in early fucking July! The convention is literally next month and you haven’t said shit about a running mate!”

“Give it a little more time,” Joe told him, “I’m gonna say something soon.” 

“When?” Beto pressed. “Shit or get off the pot! There’s no reason to drag it out like this!”

“There’s a very good reason, actually!” Joe countered. “The longer I take to make a decision, the more carefully it looks like I made that decision. I’m delaying the announcement deliberately so I can get more positive press when I do finally announce.”

“That’s some clown shit,” Snorted Beto as he set what was left of his spicy ketchup aside, “It might get you positive press but it’s gonna piss off the voters. I mean, I’m sure that the supporters of whoever you picked will be happy, but everyone else who was hoping for someone different is gonna be mad that you led them on for such a long time. You didn’t think this through very well, my dude.”

“Well, shit, I actually didn’t consider that,” Joe admitted, “But it’ll probably be fine! I’m sure people won’t be THAT pissed off when I announce! And if they are, they’ll get over it. They have to; it’s either me or Trump and I’m so obviously the better choice here!”

“Hillary was so obviously the better choice last time and voters still wanted to clown around,” Beto muttered, “I was so obviously the better choice in 2018 and Texans still sent Ted back to the senate. Joe, dude, you better hope that your clout from being Obama’s vice president and your funny uncle persona are enough to overcome any voters who are pissed off about your running mate and your shoulder touching and your forty years of political baggage, because if not then we’re all fucked.”

“It’ll be fine!” Joe replied, sounding entirely too cheery given how much more dire things would become if he lost to Trump, “I’m sure it will! Our best days lie ahead!” Beto didn’t seem entirely convinced, but he decided that fretting over a future that was out of his hands would be pointless, so he just shrugged and went back to eating. As he munched on his burger and fries Beto couldn’t help but notice Joe taking a glance his way every now and then when he thought Beto wasn’t looking. Beto hadn’t bothered to put his shirt back on after his little food display, and it was clear to him that even though Joe wasn’t interested in him as a running mate Beto had caught his interest in other ways. He turned to face Joe and couldn’t help but give an amused chuckle when Joe turned away abruptly and took a swig of his cola, trying his best to look like he was casually enjoying his meal and not like he’d just been ogling one of his former opponents.

“It’s fine, dude,” Beto assured him, “You can look. You can touch too, if you want.” Joe choked on his cola.

“Beto!” Joe wheezed, trying to recompose himself, “I told you, I already have a running mate!”

“I know, that’s not why I’m offering,” Beto explained, “My wife’s out of town and I feel like having some fun. You might be old but you’re still pretty hot, I wanna see what fucking you is like. I just hope your dentures don’t fall out when I kiss you.”

“They’re veneers, son,” Joe smirked, “They won’t fall out. See for yourself.” Joe grabbed Beto by the shoulders and crushed their mouths together in a passionate, sloppy kiss. After what felt like an eternity they pulled away from each other, connected only by a thin string of saliva.

“Oh fuck, dude,” Beto cursed softly, “You’re a real good kisser.”

“I’m good at many things.” Joe leered. “How about I show you just how good I am?” Slowly they migrated from the yard to inside of the house, groping and kissing and teasing each other along the way. Pete and Tim had invited Joe into their beds, but Beto was so into it they ended up not even making it to the bedroom and had sex on his living room couch. Beto was a pretty noisy lover, making delicious moans and groaning curses as Joe fucked him into the cushions. Pete and Tim had been open about what they had liked and wanted, but once they’d made their expectations clear they’d been content to let Joe take the lead. Beto, however, was quite the active participant. He was playful, he was feisty, giving as good as he got, and it turned Joe on. Despite being older Joe certainly wasn’t fragile, and he liked that Beto wasn’t afraid to get rough during sex. Tim had been very gentle with all his kisses and touches and with Pete there really hadn’t been any kissing or touching at all. With Beto it was very different. They grabbed each other harshly, leaving red marks from where nails dug into skin, they muttered absolutely raunchy, filthy things to one another, and each man ended the evening covered in quite a few hickeys, although they were careful to not leave any in spots where the prying eyes of the public and media would be able to see.

“Damn, Joe!” Beto breathed in amazement when they were finally finished, “You might be old, but you’ve still got it!” Joe pulled away so he could lounge on the couch and beckoned for Beto to join him. Beto did, stretching his lanky body out as Joe spooned him and traced his fingers along some of the marks he had left on the younger man.

“I didn’t rough you up too badly did I?” He asked.

“Nah man, it was fun,” Said Beto, “I’m just glad you didn’t break a hip or anything.” Joe rolled his eyes at the jab about his age, but he couldn’t help but smile in spite of himself.

“In all seriousness, I’m glad I didn’t break your heart by not choosing you as my running mate,” Joe confessed, “You’re a talented guy and people like you, I know you’ll do great things here in Texas.”

“No hard feelings dude, I’m happy just helping out around my home state and the dick was good so I can’t complain,” Beto replied, “But you’ve really gotta announce your running mate soon.”

“I will, I will!” Joe promised. “You know what? This is what I’m going to do. When I’m ready to announce my pick I’ll invite you, John, Pete, and Tim to meet with me and my running mate privately before I make the official announcement to the public. You guys will be the very first to know who it is. Will that make up for my months of stalling?”

“Depends on who you picked, but sounds good,” Beto agreed, “Come on, we should probably go out and toss what’s left of our meal before it starts attracting ants.” The two of them rose from the couch, got dressed, and went out to discard their Whataburger remnants. As Joe departed from Beto’s house he couldn’t help but wonder when and where Kerry would make his attempt, and he started to contemplate how he would inform his old friend that he wasn’t up for consideration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell from my writing that I’m salty that Joe took forever to announce his running mate in real life? I said I wasn’t going to be salty or badmouth or take jabs at anyone in this fic but there is still some saltiness seeping through in spite of that lol… for real though Joe really decided to be a clown and waste four months of everyone’s time with this running mate bullshit. I definitely believe he was stalling the announcement on purpose until the last possible minute to make himself look better and make it look like he had a lot of people under careful consideration but if I had to guess I’d say he probably had his mind made up by like May or June 2020 at the latest and wasn’t even considering as many people as he said he was. There’s no way it took him four months to choose, you ain’t slick old man I saw through your clownery. Anyways, I have no idea how to write Beto, I just kind of make him swear and say dude a lot when I write him and hope that suffices. Kerry’s chapter will be next, not sure when I’ll have that done because I’m busy with work right now but it’ll come eventually. Thanks for being patient for updates to this cursed bullshit.


End file.
